Teenagers describe to me time and time again the following situation. They have a issue they are dealing with and they eventually decide to talk with their parents about it. So they pick their moment and start talking but no sooner have they started then the parent has broken into a speal of advice about what they did as a teenager, how they would handle the situation and what the teen should do. The teen listens walks away feeling dejected an don't understood and guess what still has the issue.So how do we break this common cycle. First remember three things when you are listening.
I am listening without judgment.
I am attempting to understand my teenagers point of view (interpretation) of this situation.
I am hearing the words but listening for the underlying core issue.
Easy you say - How do I do that.
Ok let me explain point of view listening. First of all why is it called point of view - as most of you know by now Diana was a film director before a coach. Point of View is the name given to a camera angle - the angle that makes us the viewers think we are looking through the eyes of the actor-less.
When a point of view shot is in a script the production crew know that the character disappears and the camera takes it place. This is essentially what you are trying to achieve you are getting inside your teens body and looking through their eyes seeing how life looks form that perspective.
Understanding what their structure of interpretation is the world, feeling how it must be to be them a teenager in today's society and all the challenges that must bring. This is a challenging skill and will take you a while to get the hang off.
Point of View is a three step process.
Listen with your lips shut - do not comment.
Ensure you are listening heart to heart.
Step into their point of view.
At first this may seam wired and unnatural but keep going when achieved this is an extremely powerful tool.
Let me give you an example of levels of point of view and how this may pan out.
Imagine the situation your teenage daughter comes come she has been the victim of a robbery. How do you respond.
1. Listen form your point of view.
Well they didn't have mobile phones in my days if you will have a phone what do you expect. You should report it they can not get away with this. I am never buying you anything again - you should of been ,more careful - I told you so
Pretty normal yeah we all experience this type of listening on a day to day basis.
2. Listening to their point of view.
Are you OK?, are you hurt? Did you go to the police? Where did it happen?
Here you are listening and just attempting to gain more information.
3. Listening from their point if view.
That must have been really shocking for you and very scary. It must be challenging been a teenager today with all this added responsibility. How can I support you.
Here you set into the teenagers body and look at life through their eyes and respond accordingly.
When you use this type of listening your tome must be neutral and you must ensure that you sound sincere.
So is nat to leave you with this Image to remind you how to practice his skill which believe me is lifelong learning.
1. Step and breath
2. Connect with your teenager heart to heart
3. physically imagine yourself standing behind your teenager
4. Now look at life through their eyes.
5. Respond.
Remember to have great fun with this and let me know how this powerful tool works for you.
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